


0412 ; Quit Smoking.

by youxiaotu



Series: a few hundred. [2]
Category: NINE PERCENT (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: But is it really?, M/M, Zhengting-centric, first of all this is not really a fic full of details, honestly this is just all about being an emo man nothing more nothing less, one sided!zhengkun, this is how i write my gore-y fics but apparently this is also how i write my emo fics, w HAT IS PROOFREADING I DONT KNOW HONESTLy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-09 15:38:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14718863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youxiaotu/pseuds/youxiaotu
Summary: He used to come back crawling to him.





	0412 ; Quit Smoking.

**Author's Note:**

> so i was listening to xiao ban and quit smoking and old emo s.h.e songs while i was writing this  
> this has slight self harm. um. if you're not comfortable then please don't read.

**Three years.**

For three years, Zhengting agreed and denied, pushed and pulled.

For three years, he held on tight, Closed his eyes and whispered to himself.

_One more day._

And one becomes two,

Two becomes three,

Three becomes six,

Six becomes sixty,

Sixty becomes infinity.

_I need to stop._

But his body acts on reflex.

He walks,

He runs,

He falls down,

_I need to stand up._

He crawls down.

_Stop._

He continues, 

He itches for him,

He _itches_ for him.

He knows it was wrong.

He _itches for him_.

He tries to resist but can't

He tries to stop himself.

He tried to stop himself.

He reaches for him.

_He does it again._

Zhengting hears him say 'jump'

He jumps

Zhengting hears him say 'stop'

He stops.

Zhengting hears him say 'change your mind'

He's unwilling, but he does it anyway.

_He does it with a smile._

He does it anyway because he loves him.

_Am I still the same person?_

He asks,

He searches,

He wonders.

_No answer._

He inhales.

'Listen to me, I know better.' He hears him say.

He exhales smoke.

He wonders,

Does Xukun even listen to him?

Does Xukun even feel anger when he's angry about something?

Does Xukun even feel sadness when he injured himself?

When he can't do things that he's happy about?

_He inhales._

_He exhales more smoke._

'I need you.'

Lies.

He inhales,

The feeling of lit cigarette burning his skin was once so painful.

Now it's all too familiar,

All too common.

All a _habit_.

His finger brushes against the scars from the previous years.

It all started with one.

And one becomes two,

Two becomes three,

Three becomes six,

Six becomes sixty,

Sixty becomes infinity.

_All a habit._

It wasn't too late, right?

He needs to stop this.

He tries to stop.

Slowly.

Slowly.

I need to stop.

_I need to quit him._

**And infinity becomes sixty,**

The feeling lessens, but he crawls back to him for comfort once.

He crawls back knowing he can't let go.

He crawls back-

He crawls back but it was all the same.

All change,

All false,

All too usual,

All a habit.

_He needs to stop._

**Sixty becomes six,**

He inhales,

This time, he exhales a sigh.

Why was it so easy for Xukun to just... _Stop_?

Sometimes he wonders if Xukun misses him.

Maybe not.

The feeling lessens, but he still crawls back to him for comfort once in a while.

He tells himself he can't do this.

_He regrets, but it still feels so right._

**Six becomes three,**

The cigarette burns have healed a little bit.

Thoughts of Xukun lessens.

A knock on his door-

It was Xukun.

_He pretends to not hear it._

**Three becomes two,**

He hears him say 'I miss you'.

_He doesn't answer._

**Two becomes one.**

He hears his friends talk about Xukun,

He used to want to crawl back.

But he was numb.

'He's worried about you.'

_But he doesn't care anymore._

 

 

He runs away and hides. That's all he can do to save himself.

He's a coward and he knows, but what else could he do?

He just wants to do things for himself.

He just... wants to be himself.

He just... wants to feel lighter.

 

Only running away from him makes him feel lighter.

 

* * *

 

Zeren gives the older a weird look, phone raised up so he could see the screen. "You... still use facebook?" It was a funny question but Zhengting just nods like the younger didn't say anything stupid.

"... And you've quit smoking." Another nod.

"Not friends with Kun anymore?" Nod, nod, nod. Zeren might be the biggest idiot but he knows what Zhengting felt these past three years. His eyes lands on Zhengting's arm, seeing the burn marks peek out of Zhengting's sleeve. He doesn't push further. 

Three years.

Zhengting sure suffered for so long.

Xukun was too late.

 

**Author's Note:**

> please b e my f r ei dn o im awks but i actually cry about zhengkun  
> twt: @ziyisus  
> cc: ZHOUXIAOHUAS


End file.
